It’s so hard to say goodbye

Sadly I have actually experienced the loss of a number of friends & family members over the years.  We have all seen the Lion King; it is simply “The circle of Life”.  But this is the first time, in my ADULT life, that I have loss someone who meant so much to me, my childhood, my character, my soul.  I don’t have a single happy childhood or holiday memory that doesn’t include my Grandma Rosalie.  I was a lucky only grandchild with the exception of my deceased brother, Shawn.   Anyone who knows me knows that I’m close with my family & this loss has hit us hard, I find myself realizing that I have to find a new normal & that things will never be the exactly the same. 

~A few of my 30 years of MEMORIES~

When I was younger my Mother & I spent the night before any holiday at my Grandma’s house.  Easter we dyed eggs, woke up to beautiful dresses, hats & our version of baskets (wagon, cabbage patch strollers, makeup case).  Then we would drive out to Deming to enjoy a ham & big holiday get together at my Great Grandpa Walter & Great Grandma Dorris’.  I remember long car rides my Grandma would sing all these silly songs that right now I can’t remember (Mr. Jonny Beck & his sausage machine, boom-boom LOL).  At Christmas time my Grandma would take me out to buy my Mom a gift.  We’d make & decorate cookies as Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole & Elvis holiday records played.  We’d drive around looking at Christmas lights almost every weekend in December, comparing houses, drinking hot chocolate & singing songs.  I remember long camping trips at Baker Lake, shopping trips, Chinese food, the shrimp shack and exciting adventures in the snow & sunshine. 

During the five years my Mother & I lived in Longview/Kelso I would count down the days until my Grandma’s next visit.  She even drove through the snow storm of Christmas 1990 to spend the holiday with us.  During the summer time My Grandma was my rescue.  She’d come get me so I could stay with her for weeks, shoot months each year.  I’d spend my days watching movies & eating PB & strawberry jam sandwiches or going shopping or out to lunch or a movie with my Aunt or Uncle.  Then after work my grandma would take me out to eat at places my mother would never explore.  We enjoyed seafood, Chinese food, burgers, deserts and other delicious places.  I remember her taking me shopping for school clothes & taking me swimming at Lake Sammamish.

During the year after my brother passed away, my Grandma did everything she knew to help uplift us, buying me my first ever brand new bed, our first VCR & making tons of I-5 drives from Ferndale to Longview to show her support.   It was also my Grandma who took me to Disneyland when I was 11.  We drove down I-5 on a fun filled three week adventure of California that also included Universal Studios, Sea World & many fun beaches & piers along the way. 

When I was a teen we had moved back to Ferndale & as my mother worked long hours I would call my grandma for rides & permission to do activities.  I also called her for instructions on how to cook.  I remember calling her one afternoon because my Mom had a roast out for dinner & I wanted to cook dinner for my Mom.  My grandma stayed on the phone with me as I located the ingredients & slowly sliced the potatoes, onion and carrots.  “350* so it doesn’t dry out” she said.  It was my Grandma who taught me how to make homemade jam, how to bake cookies, make homemade fried rice, cook a roast, make homemade stews & soup. It was my grandma who basically taught me how to operate in a kitchen. 

It was also my Grandma who taught me how to play cards.  Okay anyone from my family is laughing now because I can 100% GUARANTEE they remember my Grandma and my great Grandparents out at the old trailer in Deming on the back porch playing Progressive Rummy.  This is the game they ALWAYS played for quarters, them’ dirty gamblers!!!!  But some of my fondest memories are of card games that never ended, nights of dice games that went on forever, 1000, kismet, chicken feet and of course when you only have 2 people there was loads of homemade Skip-o. 

Thanksgiving 2007

~Her Fight~

My Grandma first became ill in 2004.  She had cancer, fought it and briefly won.  This last year in May she began to experience stomach pains.  “Nothing to worry about”.  Pardon me but BULLSHIT.  In September she had a heart attack & a small surgery. But it was Thanksgiving that I knew. As I watched my Grandma bend her fingers and ask Issac for kisses I could see just how weak she was, the pain & discomfort in her eyes.   I cried the entire way home because I could tell that she was hurting.  I told Tyler that I could tell that my Grandma was trying to push through the holidays & we had discussed me spending a week every month in Ferndale to spend time with her.

 In December, on the 10^th she was unable to make it to Josie’s 1^st Birthday party.  I knew this was bad.    She LOVED watching the kids, my kids, your kids, any kids.

The week after Josie’s birthday was beyond stressful. As I stressed Josie’s pediatric cardiologist appointment, my grandma laid in the hospital.  This is when we found out that the cancer was back.   I feel very fortunate that my Grandma was able to meet & bond with each of my children.  It pains me to know that as adults they won’t remember her the way I remember my Great Grandparents but Gi-Gi will live on forever through photographs and our numerous happy memories.

 August 2009

 Christmas 2012 with Josie

Easter 2010 with Issac

~A Not so Merry Christmas~

From the moment my eyes meet my Grandma’s weak body on Christmas Day I knew her days were numbered.  She sat in the chair with her head in her hand the entire day, only perking up when I put on Christmas music.  We tried to take some pictures, but honestly the timing wasn’t right, we were all crying, balling, smiling and then crying again.  My Grandma ate a lil but not even a ¼ c. of turkey & stuffing.  When she was on the phone with my uncle John she cried while talking to him & replied to his “get well Mama” with, “I’m not going to get better”.  When she left my Mom’s for the day, for the last time, She asked me if we were leaving in the morning, I said “yes. But Grandma, me & the kids will be back on the 9^th for a week.”  She lifted her weak head and replied, “I don’t know if I’ll be here”. 

Christmas evening Tyler cared for the children while I went with my Mom to my grandma’s house to have a family meeting.  While my Uncle & Mom fell asleep from their turkey & stuffing comas as we waited for my Aunt, I sat on the floor in front of my Grandma weeping as she brushed my hair with her fingers.  She told me she loved me, she loved my kids, that she was proud of me and that I was beautiful.  Then she told me she was done fighting and asked me not to let “them” (my Mom, Aunt & Uncle) take her to the hospital.  I told her I wanted to help her & I was on their side but she had to try & drink her ensure.  We decided that we were going to keep the previous promise they made her on Christmas eve & not put her in the hospital on Christmas.  We decided that the next day my great Aunt, my Grandma’s only sibling was coming from oak Harbor & we would reassess the situation then. 

In the morning I went to meet my Aunt to help shower my Grandma & it was a total no go.  We called for an aid car because we could help her walk to the bathroom let alone take her to the car or hospital.  She was weak and her legs couldn’t hold her any longer.  After a verbal battle that will forever sadden me and completely crack me up because I can totally see where I get my “in your face, say it straight honery”, we were on our way to the hospital.  I took my car to Tyler & rode in the ambulance with my Grandma as my Mom & Aunt followed. My Cousin Michelle and my Great Aunt meet us at the hospital.  Later that day we were told that my Grandma’s kidneys had begun to shut down. 

Knowing my grandma was done fighting and that the machines at the hospital were only prolonging her days the decision was made to move her to the hospice house.  Thursday December 29^th, she was moved the Whatcom Hospice House.  Friday night I stayed with my Grandma & Great Aunt at the Hospice house.  After hours of tears & walks down memory lanes, discussions about regrets we decided to try and catch some sleep around 3am.  As I lay there crying I could hear the saddest song, the symphony of life.  My Grandma’s full body, over working to catch each breath & my Aunt’s sobbing sniffles.  With little sleep & 5 cups of coffee in me I sat holding my Grandma’s hand has she slowly and peacefully stopped breathing just before 9am on New Years Eve. 

~A Celebration of Life~

The Memorial service for my Grandma was held at the Cornerstone Church in Ferndale on Saturday January 14, 2012.  It was a beautiful service and we as a family were very blessed to be surrounded by many members of our extended family and friends. People I haven’t seen in years took the time to drive in the snow & show us support and remind us all how special my Grandma Rosalie really was.   Some ladies that my Grandma went to school with in the 50’s came and some neighbors and old co-workers.  It was simple and beautiful just like my Grandma.