Our Final Goodbye

- April 26, 2012

Since my Grandma Rosalie's funeral on January 14th, I hadn't been back to Bellingham. It makes it easier on me I think because I don't have to drive around town avoiding places filled with old memories. However, I have had moments of unexpected tears. First it was Valentine's Day. The week before I ordered personalized Valentine's cards for our loved ones. I ordered special cards form the kids for the Grandmas. It hit me, I didn't need to order a card for my Grandma, she was gone. I cried for hours and eventually turned the water works off. Then Issac pooped on the potty for the first time & I wanted to call my Grandma because at Thanksgiving we had discussed potty training. But what should have been a happy Mommy moment became a sad moment of emptiness.

We have tried to do some research so we know how to help the kids understand what is happening around them. We talked about each ceremony before it happened, bought books and discussed deaths we see in movies like the Lion King. No way is the right way but I want to offer age appropriate answers for Issac's questions like; "Gi-Gi sleeping forever Mom"? I still can't read the kids any of the children's grief books I bought them without crying, but Tyler has better luck. We can tell Issac is understanding the content because he becomes uncomfortable & tries to move on to another book. We can usually finish reading the current book & follow it with something fun by Dr Seuss. Issac still points to the pictures on the walls & points out Gi-Gi. One day he told me; "I don't like Gi-Gi because she's sleeping". I'm smart enough to realize that his innocent comment is just his brain processing her death. However, the comment hurt my feelings & I cried for hours as he said it on repeat.

As time passes the days get easier but I have tiny moments of amazing memories brought on by my daily activities. Sweet and Sour Chicken makes me remember the many Chinese lunches I shared with my Grandma. When I was young we always went to the same place; The China Star, the owner Christine took good care of us & she knew what we wanted to eat when we walked in the door. An iced Grasshopper was the 1st alcoholic beverage I didn't spit out. It was made for me by my Grandma to celebrate New Year's Eve. A Pepsi. Yup, a simple Pepsi in Utah reminded me of the many years before my Grandma was diagnosed with diabetes. She ALWAYS had her Pepsi near bye, later in life she replaced it with a Diet Coke. Pork Chops, oh wow how my Grandma made the most fatty but yummy pork chops. Grandma's pork chop secret is; ha ha ha, like I'm going to tell YOU!

My Grandma had one sibling; a sister, my Great-Aunt Sharon, pictured above, who lives in Oak Harbor. My Great-Uncle Richard works over seas & was unable to join us for the Memorial Service in January. So once we knew when he would be home, my Mom scheduled a small private family service to spread my Grandmother's ashes. My Grandma was never shy about what she wanted when she died. We knew she wanted her ashes placed near my Great-Grandmother Esther in the Still Waters part of Green Hill Cemetery in Ferndale.

It was a perfect sunny Spring day. In addition to my Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle there was also my Uncle Philip, my Aunt Nicole, her BFF Amy, my cousin Michelle, my Mom, Tyler, Issac, Josie & myself. Each of us took a turn pouring some of my Grandma's ashes into the hole & then my Mom & Issac filled the hole up with dirt. Afterwards each of us placed a rose on top.

I took a few pictures because I know my children will not remember anything about my Grandma Rosalie no matter how much I want them to, they're simply too young. I wish that my children would remember their Great-Grandma the way I remember all mine, my Great Grandma Esther, my great-Grandma Dorris, my Great-Great Grandma Garnet and my Great-Great-Grandma Willis. But I find peace in knowing that they are together. Bellow is a few of the pictures I took to capture our private moments for the children and myself.